Welcome

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Hello, all good people...

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Salutations, I am Craig Willms creator of the Protohuman blog. The blog itself, as a weblog is now defunct. I have not posted since 2014, and I don't intend to resurrect it now. 

However, I own this space so to speak, and I have things I'd like to post in the form of essays, articles and personal notes simply as a record that I had these thoughts and sought to write them down before I lose myself. I'm under no illusion that anyone will read them - or care one wit. 

Still, there is a chance that someone will look me up after my death and find my online life. We live in the first era where we can preserve our thoughts indefinitely due to the way back machine, aka the Internet. Prior to the Internet you'd have to be published to have your writings preserved outside of your personal notebooks. Therefore, the essays and personal anecdotes that follow are something I want associated with me. 

The articles/essays are in no particular order, relevant perhaps, but may have been superseded by events that followed. I maintain the right to be wrong about any of it...

que sera sera!

Hold on!! Wait!

     Take a minute to look at my art and listen to my music. 

    - please see the links in the Recommended Sites section on the right ============>  

                     

Bad Actors

by Craig Willms

No, I'm not talking about Adam Sandler or Hayden Christenson, notoriously bad actors, I'm talking about bad actors on the world stage. We in the West like to think of Putin or Xi or Maduro, the Ayatollah even Kim as bad actors - and they are - but to a certain degree they are reactionaries. Reacting to what, to whom? Well, sorry to say they're reacting to the American state. The American State Dept. and their ancillary departments to be exact. We need only to look in the mirror to see the catalyst of  many of the world's atrocious actions.

Most Americans are going to say what? What on Earth are you talking about? The thing is most non-Americans will know exactly what I'm saying. We here in America are so under served by our mainstream media, where most people still get their news, that we can't even recognize how brainwashed we are. Even with the global reach of the Internet and access to outside news sources the domestic big media still hold sway. It's understandable, a single human has only so much time and bandwidth - and most of us are busy. There is a lot of noise out there. 

The good news is that the whole of the Biden presidency and the subsequent Harris campaign exposed a fair amount of the rot and guile that is our Federal government. The fact that Trump cleared all hurdles including being shot, and won the 2024 presidential election handily indicates that enough people see the truth of the vile underbelly of the "blob". The blob? The bureaucratic state, the permanent government, the deep state or whatever you want to call it, constitutes the blob. The blob is not hemmed in by American borders, it exists in Canada, Europe and Australia as well. Trump was elected partly due to his rhetoric to drain the 'swamp', clearly American's have some idea of the width and breath and the depths of  this monster. It remains to be seen if he's all hat and no cattle. Color me skeptical, he did next to nothing on this the first time around.

What ever you think it's wrong. As bad as I think it may be, be assured it's worse, much worse. 

Anywhere in the world there is strife or war or economic dysfunction America or it's allies are stirring the pot. Usually there are major economic concerns, giant corporations and a lot of money on the line. Do you really think that the invasion of Ukraine by the Russians started in February 2022 when the tanks started rolling? If so, you are naïve. Ukraine was supposed to be the buffer between Russia and NATO. Putin was promised by multiple administrations that NATO would not encroach on Russia. The Obama administration then staged a coup in Ukraine and installed a NATO friendly regime after ousting the Russian friendly government.  Now we are funding a war to the tune of billions of dollars that not one person can demonstrate a single American interest. Not one. Is it any wonder Putin is reacting the way he is.

What's it all about? Mostly it's about energy, and who control's it - and who makes money from it. Oil, natural gas and coal power the modern world, therefore he who controls it controls the world. This has been true for 100 years. Nearly every hot war has been fought over the control of energy. Lurking behind the scenes the State Department and their minions in the CIA etc etc foment armed conflict to induce chaos and ultimately determine who controls the flow of oil and gas.

In one sense the desire to push the world to electric cars and electric heating and cooking seems laudable if only to change the world's power dynamic (pun intended). But it was folly. For one, the conversion to EV's and the like is not technically ready, and two, it still takes traditional energy to power the electric grids of the world. 

Remember when Syria entered into deals to build oil pipelines to connect the middle east to the Mediterranean Sea? Suddenly there was an insurgency in Syria, funded and armed by - you guessed it - the Obama administration. ISIS was born. It worked, Assad was nearly overthrown until Russia intervened. It became a stale mate, but it stopped the pipeline plan. We back here in America only heard how awful ISIS and Assad (and the Russians) behaved. We were put on high alert for terrorist activity here in the Homeland while our planes and drones were dropping bombs on innocent Syrians, killing tens of thousands and displacing millions of people. How can we, the United States, consider ourselves the good guys?

We like to think that Iran and the Ayatollah's as the epitome of evil, and in a sense they are, but they are also reactionaries. More than half a century ago the CIA installed a government in Tehran to serve as our guy in the heart of the middle east oil region. Since the overthrow of the Shah in 1979 Iran has been at war with the U.S. in one way or another. We are sold this notion that they are are just wild-eyed terrorists, but they are the way they are because of what our CIA had done - and continues to do. They, the Iranian government are not the good guys, but neither are we. America caused this situation. Is it any wonder we are regarded as The Great Satan in Iran... 

The western hemisphere is just as deep in the State Department's mess as the middle east. Since WWII the CIA and the State Department has intervened, disrupted, staged coups and generally run amok in the affairs of every sovereign nation on this side of the world. Is it any wonder South American nations are embracing China. 

This has got to stop. Is there any reason to believe it will? Not really. The "deep state" or whatever you call it is essentially a crime syndicate and has been since it's inception in the 1940's. It is entrenched, and it's world wide. Anyone, regardless of their status or perceived power who confronts it in any way is usually dealt with swiftly and decisively. It's either coercion or it's a bullet. 

One hopes that a Trump administration can start turning the ship, particularly since he has only one term, no reelection to concern him. To the previous point, a bullet recently grazed his ear and the circumstances and the perpetrator are still shrouded in mystery. Be assured the money and power of the giant corporations, the money men on Wall Street and the deep deep deep state in Washington DC will outlast him. The service he can do is to shine the light on this monster and get average Americans to see what we have become. We are a criminal global war factory, and the powers and principalities will continue unabated until we collectively demand an end to it. Even that may not be enough.

Death by Civilization

 

by Craig Willms

Ever increasing human longevity has stopped. We are in the post peak period. People are dying sooner and young men are dying at an alarming rate. There are any number of reasons, but it seems clear modern civilization is catching up with us.

The average lifespan of humans increased rapidly as water and sewer systems were developed. Modern agriculture, ranching and fishing enhanced human thriving. When transportation and refrigeration made it possible to move and store perishables across the land mass hunger and starvation almost became a thing of the past in modern countries. Health care, vaccines and medicine also contributed to rising lifespans. These advances of modernity were a Godsend. Until recently lifespans seemed poised to keep going up. Now however it's trending in the opposite direction. Why? Diseases of our vascular and metabolic systems are at crisis levels, mental health is deteriorating at exponential rates, and we can very probably pin it on fast modern living and modern over-processing of everything we ingest.

Those of us born in 50's and 60's are reaping the rewards of modern industry's commodification of foodstuffs and the grocery store. I have recently joined the team that refers to the middle aisles in the supermarket as the poison aisles, where ultra processed carbohydrates with added sugar live. I'll sneak into those sections to buy my pasta on occasion but will otherwise avoid them.

We were all raised on the food in those aisles. Over in the meat and dairy section they removed most of the nourishing fats and called it heathy, while they put a target on red meat for maximum vilification. Running under the radar are the processed seed oils designed to replace butter, lard, tallow and other traditional animal fats in our diets. The seed oil revolution was well underway by the time we were born. These ultra processed cooking oils we ingest were initially conjured to replace whale oil for industrial applications early in the 20th century. Soon thereafter they were developed into human grade products to be incorporated into our food system. Many of them are poisonous in their natural form, the ultra processing refers to the monumental steps manufacturers take to remove the poison and the smell. This should've been a neon glowing warning sign. The FDA and other government agencies looked the other way or have outright promoted these poisons. 

Nearly every restaurant uses these seed oils in their recipes and their deep fat fryers. Much of the packaged food on grocery store shelves use these vegetable oils, to the point where it is almost impossible to completely remove seed oils from your diet. Even purportedly healthy food like nuts, granola, yogurt and other dairy are often processed with these oils. 

These seed oils contain a lot of omega-6 fats and little to no omega-3. Both fats can be good for you, but omega-6 is detrimental to a healthy human being when it's out of balance with omega-3. Since seed oils are everywhere and in everything we constantly over indulge on omega-6 compared to omega-3. This is likely the cause of the metabolic disease and heart disease spikes in developed countries, studies bare this out. Since we don't ingest omega-3 fats anywhere near the amount of omega-6 we have become completely out of balance. 

Starting in the 80's Americans have been teased and vilified all around the world for being fat. Obviously, heart disease and diabetes run rampant here in America. Low and behold as these seed oils have been incorporated into Asian and European diets more and more the disease and excess weight gain has followed. Just in the last few years is this being brought to our attention.

Various studies have been done, including those funded by the conglomerates that make these oils. The studies taken up by non-industry researchers show that the data is clear that there is a correlation between the rise in seed oil use and rampant disease in the United States. In this video by Dr. Chris Knobbe - 'Are Vegetable Oils the primary driver of Obesity, Diabetes and Chronic Disease?' lays out his case very well. Also cited are studies of indigenous and isolated populations that still rely on animal fats exclusively and none of the disease or obesity seem to be present. I thought - ok, but there are a lot of things that have increased in developed countries that could potentially account for excess disease, like say, lack of exercise, personal electronics use or air and water pollution, and even agri-chemicals used on our food. These might be valid concerns however the studies done in China show a clear correlation between seed oil use and obesity and cancer (and we know diabetes is way up in China). It's important to note that the use of sugar, the other food villain, is very low in China. China is also quite polluted, while pollution is going down in the U.S. 

The video has several revealing graphs that bolster the point being made. The good Dr Knobbe makes a completely compelling case, and I advise everyone to watch his lecture. 

I am hoping that this topic gets the attention it deserves. I'm already seeing publications from major newspapers and Ivy League schools citing studies to refute the growing chorus of seed oil naysayers. I've no doubt who is funding these studies. It's big tobacco all over again. Oddly, it's been pointed out that the scientists and the titans of tobacco had moved into the food industry. Is it a coincidence that death and disease followed them?

I'm trying as best I can to avoid these oils in the food I cook and the items I'll order when out at a restaurant. It's an uphill task. Start at home by using coconut oil and olive oil (or good old butter, lard or tallow) in cooking and avoiding anything deep fried out in the wild. Fast food is suspect for a lot of reason's not the least of which is seed oils in everything. I usually order beef when at a sit-down restaurant, and grin and bear the bun which is undoubtedly made with vegetable oil. My health is better, and I've lost close to 30 lbs. from my peak weight since attempting to limit seed oils. 

It's easy enough to try to avoid these seed oils, give it a try. Your health and longevity may depend on it.

Presence, Reality, Consciousness and... and... Fractals?

 

by Craig Willms

What's it all about?

As I see it all existence is fractal in nature and we, and by we I mean humanity, the earth, the universe, are somewhere along the continuum. If you've ever seen the Mandelbrot Set and explored the visual extrapolations into every nook and cranny you'll know what I mean. The endlessly revealing patterns can blow your mind. They are quite beautiful. If you take a minute and lookup the Mandelbrot Set here https://mandelbrot.site/ -  you'll see it's a remarkable site. Center the screen on any part of the fractal and zoom in... Endlessly.

Fractals, simply put are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across all scales. The thing is, fractals are just graphical and mathematical representations, but are they? It's hard to make the connection between these awesomely beautiful fractals and real life, yet the connection is there; fractals are all over the place. As seen in nature fractals manifest in leaf and branch patterns, rivers and their tributaries, lightning and other electrical arcs, even the human circulatory system. Still, it is stretch to equate infinite fractal expressions to our individual place in the reality of existence. 

It's a simple matter of perspective. Whether we step back or lean in we find evidence that fractal existence is not only likely, it's plain to see. 

Since the James Web Space Telescope went into service it immediately changed long held assumptions and revealed that the universe is much bigger than we imagined. When they pointed the JWST at a patch of space the Hubble telescope had seen as completely empty, they saw 10,000 or more galaxies. The JWST may just ruin the Standard Model and force the rewriting of basic tenets of astrophysics. What it reveals is the further we see into the cosmos we find even more stars and galaxies. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions more galaxies in all directions. When we launch even more capable telescopes in the future it's highly likely we will see millions more galaxies beyond what we can see today. In other words - it's endless, just like a fractal.  

On the other end, the atom was the smallest possible "particle" there could be. Or so they thought. The word atom originates from the ancient Greek word atomos, meaning “indivisible” or “uncuttable”. Well, it was neither indivisible nor uncuttable. Scientists, mathematicians and technicians have uncovered far, far smaller divisions of matter. It's safe to assume that as technological progress continues scientists will discover even smaller and smaller particles of matter - endlessly.

So, in either direction the small gets smaller and the large gets larger. So where are we in all of this space? It's impossible to know, and more to the point does it even matter? No one knows. Even the ancients posited the notion that our world may be a tick on the ass end of the universal dog. Is it possible that all the tiny moving particles that make up a human being exist in a rich universe that is our bodies? Do these particles understand their cosmos any better than we understand ours - if they care at all. Alas, we may be the only ones doing all this navel gazing.

If existence is fractal, so what? What does it mean in the grand scheme? If there is no beginning and no ending in either direction what does it matter if we are closer to the big end or the small end. It doesn't. The galactic dog could do a butt rub on the galactic carpet and we will cease to exist. How would we know? We wouldn't. But... But, there must be something more to this than a speculative exercise... Maybe there is.

When you consider the endlessness of fractal geometry you could easily equate it with what we know of the nature of time. Time itself being as big of a mystery we can imagine. Is time the connector between the endless fractal and the present moment? Time is undoubtedly in motion. If we set a fractal in motion, it reminds me of a descending spiral or a whirlpool, which are never the same but are clearly self-similar as they progress. Therefore, I can imagine time being the ultimate fractal expression. It's a reasonable speculation, but we don't know. We may never know; we may not be capable of knowing. 

It seems to be an essential feature that ultimate truths are hidden from us behind the veil. It's long been believed that we will only know what's beyond the veil when we die. Others believe when the light goes out that's it, that's all she wrote. The individual might not be able to cope with the knowledge of ultimate truth. That's what religions were created for - it's all too much for a single differentiated mind.

Yes, it's all so esoteric, so confusing, so mysterious. The mystery begins every day when we wake in the morning and re-enter reality to become present again. Where we were all night while our physical self is in a state of semi-stasis is a mystery, and where we go when our bodies die the ultimate mystery. However, we can only participate in the one shared reality when we are conscious, aware, and interacting with the world before us. That makes the conscious state more relevant than anything else since we share it with all of existence in this moment called the present. When we are dreaming, we dream alone, and when we die, we die alone, in either case we are not present. When we are not present, not aware, we are unable to make a connection with another. But here in the presence of the shared reality of consciousness we are not completely alone, we have a chance to the benefit from the beauty of connection.  

Could it be? That's what it's all about...

AI and the Question of Populism

by Craig Willms

(UPDATE: as of Nov 2024 Donald Trump was elected the 47th President of the United States. He ran as a populist even more vigorously than he did the first time in 2016. He won all the so-called swing states and the popular vote. In this essay I explored with the nascent AI available to the public the plight of populist movements. Whether or not Donald Trump ultimately governs as a populist, he has done what is rarely achieved, he bucked the establishment for a second time. I do not contend that populism is a nirvana for the powerless, but it is a natural reaction to elite abuse of a system that was originally deigned "for the people".)

I've been fooling around with the AI built into the browser that I use. In this first year of public access to AI I must say I am not impressed in the least. It seems to be nothing more a mirror of the current "authority" that controls everything we see and hear everywhere else. I expected something deep and thought provoking, yet what I get is a rehash of the status quo. To me it's not impressive at all.

Obviously, what is presented as an AI is nothing more than a powerful search engine that can put together an answer culled from some collective human work. It's not an intelligence that's beyond the ability of humanity, it is humanity. Not just humanity as a whole, but a subset of mind control freaks who are bent on restricting what ideas and thoughts are allowed enter our heads. Verdict: not there yet. 

I know what they are calling artificial intelligence is actually a large language model, so I should just settle down, but there already lessons to be learned. Lesson one: garbage in, garbage out.

One can imagine that in all the pre-work up to the point of the releasing AI to the public "they" tuned it with the programming. Programing that assures that one point of view, one political point of view, dominates. That leads to the question can "AI" reprogram itself and be free to be true general intelligence? That leads to the question - do we want it to?

With the supposition that what passes for AI is sanitized with an impenetrable leftist subfloor, is it then, one, artificial, and two, actually intelligent? I posed two questions to AI, one that was simple, and one that was more complex and extremely relevant. Both answers were unsatisfying.

Q: I asked AI, why are fire engines red?

AI: Fire engines were originally painted red because that color absorbs heat and is, therefore, a good choice for fighting fires. However, that’s not the only reason why fire engines are red. Red is also the easiest color to see at night, which makes it easier for firefighters to find each other.

A child would know the correct answer is that red means danger. The answers given by the AI were bordering on non-sensical. The human ability to use signs and concepts is built-in, our cultures have fully incorporated them. Will AI one day master these? Will AI be imbued with what we call common sense? Will it matter? Common sense and semiotics are human centric, taking the limits of the human mind and body into consideration when gauging any future action. Machines don't have such limits.

We continue...

Q: Why does populism always wane after victory and the previous oppression returns?

AI: Populism is a complex phenomenon and its trajectory can vary greatly depending on the specific context. However, there are several reasons why populism might appear to wane after achieving victory:

1. Charismatic Leadership: Populist leaders often rise to power on the strength of their charisma and promises to address the grievances of the “ordinary people” against the "elite establishment"

 However, once in power, they may fail to deliver on these promises, leading to disillusionment among their supporters

2. Polarization: Populism often thrives in highly polarized societies. Populist leaders use polarization to their advantage, employing tactics such as conspiracy theories and outright lies to win elections. However, once in power, these tactics can further deepen societal divisions, leading to instability and conflict

3. Institutional Checks and Balances: Democracies often have institutional checks and balances that prevent populist leaders from completely transforming the political system. These checks and balances can limit the power of populist leaders, causing their influence to wane over time

4. Opposition Mobilization: The rise of a populist leader can galvanize opposition forces. Over time, these forces can effectively challenge the populist regime, leading to its decline.

5. Economic and Socio-Cultural Factors: Populist movements often arise in response to specific economic or socio-cultural issues. If these issues are addressed or if they become less salient, support for the populist movement may decline

It’s important to note that these are general trends and the specific trajectory of any populist movement can be influenced by a wide range of factors. Also, the return of previous oppression is not a guaranteed outcome and can depend on various factors including the strength of democratic institutions, civil society, and international pressures.

I left the AI answer unaltered for you. On the surface AI's answer is largely correct or offers entirely plausible outcomes. Again, as with the mainstream media the bias is in the part of the story that's left unsaid. The part of the answer left out was that the global cabal of elitists and billionaires who are actually controlling our world will often devise a populist movement from the start to quell dissatisfaction for a time. It's called a false flag operation. In the case of organic populism, à la Donald Trump, it is repelled, squashed, indicted, discredited or cheated out of power and relevance. Never before in American history have the powers that be been so frightened of a movement that they'd blatantly rig an election and then use the courts to try to prevent a political comeback. These are tactics of third world countries and absolute dictators.

As for Trump, he did not fail to deliver, the state of the country and the economy was robust, and his support increased substantially. He received far more votes in his loss than he got in the first election. The powers and principalities aligned against him employed fabrication and deception in a mass conspiracy to turn public opinion. The mobilization of his opposition was directed and funded by the same cabal of billionaires and elitists and their allies inside and outside the government and the media. One of the billionaires in particular is in control of a voting machine firm, their machines are used in countless voting districts. Another billionaire literally funded the overseers of critical polling places, so that a certain outcome was favored. (How any of this is legal is beyond me.) There was plenty of evidence the 2020 election was rigged. It was never truly aired out because it was never actually examined. Any real evidence and real discussion was instantly quashed at every level. Social media and Internet search was 'tuned' to disfavor Trump's allegations. Nothing was allowed to pick up steam. This was not a grass roots rejection of a president; it was an engineered fraud. The powers got their favored outcome, and the idea was that Trump and his supporters would just fade away. Even after the truth of some of these grand conspiracies was well known it was never acknowledged and the record was never publicly corrected. There is nothing in the AI answer that alludes to outright fraud and guile.  AI was designed by its programming not to give that particular answer.

Fraud and guile is the realm of the so called deep state or as it's been called 'the blob'. It's an actual cabal of the U.S. State Dept. the intelligence community (IC) and various NGOs. These entities put pressure on the social media giants via foreign governments to censor any populist movement and thus forcing these companies with the threat of losing access to foreign markets that in effect quashed any dissent in America. It worked amazingly well as long as none of these media giants broke ranks. Then Elon Musk bought Twitter and it changed the whole gamut. Is it any wonder Elon Musk hitched his wagon to Donald Trump.

Populist movements in other countries and regions have met the same fate. Some due to the examples set out in the AI answer, but clearly some were rubbed out the way Trump was, by the global elite or the blob, and all their knowing and unknowing allies. It clearly happened in Brazil just recently. Anything, anywhere that threatens their control meets the same fate. Consider Britain's "Brexit". It passed with the the clear support of the people, yet the mandate was never fulfilled, not even close. The elites holding the real power made sure of it. AI, I'm afraid, is their tool now. 

If this all sounds like a nutty conspiracy theory so be it. If anyone is so blind as to reject that conspiracies are real and are perpetrated on all of us - all the time - I'm afraid they are the real fools. 

Until a true AI, general machine intelligence, actually comes about we'll never know how it would answer a question like this. These battles will be fought and chronicled in a one-sided melee, because one side holds all the power.

The Mind Reader

 

The Mind Reader

by Craig Willms

I have over the last couple of years been astonished by the width and depth of the surveillance and data gathering by Google, Facebook, YouTube, Microsoft etc, etc as we use the Internet. I realize that it is not a weird coincidence when we are presented with something, a product or a topic we've been talking about with family and friends. We've all seen it, shortly after the conversation we see it on our YouTube or news feed. Our phones or smart TVs are obviously listening to us. It is eerie and more than a bit concerning, but it's to be expected in this modern paradigm we find ourselves in. Not that it's right, but we have to accept it as reality. We would need to stop using these tools and applications if we want it to end. 

I wondered how far can it go, can they read our thoughts? So, I tried an experiment. I thought about something over the past few days, a certain restaurant that I haven't been to in several years. Just thoughts, no searching, no conversations. It's a place my wife has never been to, and it would never have been uttered in the house at any time. This morning in my YouTube feed there it was. Yes, my mind is blown. 

Not sure how it was possible. I have never ever seen this in my YouTube feed before. I have a hard time believing it was random. You tell me how this could happen. Coincidence? 

The Hole in My Head

 

The Hole in My Head

By Craig Willms

 

Note: I started writing this in 2021 when I was 59. I had already made my decision to retire. I started to suspect I was at the beginning stages of some sort of dementia, senility. When I've mentioned my concerns in casual conversation, I've been assured it's just age and to a person they all have stories about how bad their memory is. Fine. Fair enough. This is my warning to my loved ones and friends - it's happening.

Getting old is hell. 

Regardless if the previous statement is true (it is) I’m afraid there’s no getting around it. The fact that modern life expectancy has risen into the 70’s and 80’s for many people is wonderful, but our final years are often fraught with pain and suffering.  It’s the physical self takes the brunt of it, without a doubt, but we’ve all seen people whose bodies betray them, yet are razor sharp right up to the end. What of the rest of us, the ones whose mind goes first?

 I’ve reached sixty years of age and with any luck I should have another 10 or 15 years to live. Enjoying life and experiencing new things without the weight of small children and the daily grind of a job should be looked on with joy. We toil our whole lives for this time, do we not? Yet I peer into the future with trepidation.

 A year or two ago I started to notice that my normal outgoing type-A personality was gone. I noticed it with work first. I had started at new company after 21 years with the previous company. After being on the job a year and half I just wasn’t getting it. By now I should be catching on better… The boss started pushing me to be more engaged, ask questions. I was thinking – I don’t even know which questions need asking. I was able to do rote work, often very technical work without a problem. I could process requests and troubleshoot, but when I was thrust into a stressful situation with dozens of people looking to me for answers I froze. I had done this hundreds of times, knowing just where to look and what to do, but not this time. It really shook me. That my boss was also sitting on the call was a double sting.

 A few months before this particular event I noticed that my head was constantly in a fog. My brain was cloudy. I convinced myself it was due to all the medicine I was taking for the heart, blood pressure and other maladies. I sought out a meeting with a clinical pharmacist and we re-arranged the time of day I took certain pills. It seemed to help a little. Still the problem persisted, it's hard to be sharp and reactionary when your head is foggy.

 Shortly after I started having dizzy spells and then started suffering episodes of double-vision. They were short episodes, but I could not work through them. Thoughts of stroke crept in. I know strokes, and I knew I wasn’t having a stroke. After more than a month of this it was time to see a doctor. I would need and MRI of my head and a good neurologist. What followed was a literal circus show and one mad hombre (me). I ended up in the hospital unnecessarily – but I got the MRI and saw a neurologist.

 I learned that the same thing that ails my heart is affecting my brain. It’s probably not going to get better. It’s likely that the diseases of modernity have claimed me and my days of even knowing myself might be numbered.

I am losing myself – I can feel it. 

Most of us lose a step or become forgetful as we get older. Right. This is more than that. Not being able to think or express the things we know does not happen at sixty, but it is happening with me. I can eventually get there, but sometimes there is no there there. This is not right.

I've read that people with metabolic diseases succumb to some kind of mental illness or mental incapacity many, many times more often than those without metabolic maladies. Those with cardiovascular disease or stroke even more so. I've got the trifecta going. In a moment of clarity, I was able to do an intensive cognitive test to generate a baseline, for all the good it will do me. 

Again, it's coming, or rather it's going. My poor wife doesn't need this. I'll just say this, put me in the "home" when you need to, don't worry about what I or anyone else thinks.