Procrastination is thy name

 Procrastination is thy name

by Craig Willms

"Procrastination has served me well," he said with a wry grin...

That's what I tell myself anyway. I'm starting to rethink this with each passing year. Having retired there is almost no claim on my time, therefore I should be doing or planning to do all the things I wanted to do when I had the time. I'm not. Something else is going on.

Procrastination was always thought to be a purely mental function, you know, laziness, aversion to thinking, lacking the gumption to follow-through, stuff like that. The reason we put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done, comes from a decision made inside the brain. Wait. What if it's not? What if there's actually a physical cause? 

I'm only half joking here. Obviously, I'm rationalizing my reticence get up off my ass and do something! As I get older, I've found that even when my brain has made the decision to do something my body just sits there. There are times I'll spend ten minutes sitting in my Lazy-Boy mentally contemplating getting up until I've forgotten why I wanted to get up in the first place. Even in situations when my wife is screaming something only the dog could hear, like seeing a bug on the wall, I've already grabbed a paper towel and killed the bug. In reality, I'm still trying to get up. The decision to save my wife has been made by my brain, but my body is balking at getting out of the chair. It feels physical to me.

This is a weird phenomenon. It might just be me; I don't know. That worries me. Rationally I know that I don't act on a whim like I used to - it's largely an energy issue. The older you get you'll find you just don't have the instant energy you use to have. By the time you reach 60 you notice the loss of muscle and strength and you wisely don't do things you once did. You've become clumsy... Even if you take care not to hurt yourself by trying to do what your body can't do anymore, it's different when you don't even want to. I think that's what's bothering me the most. 

This is real procrastination, the kind where no rationalization is valid. When you're young, working and raising kids you haven't the bandwidth to do everything you'd like to, even things you should do. You are constrained and taking on more might not be a great idea. Now, there are no excuses time wise, or priority wise. You are just paralyzed with empty excuses. 

I've also noticed that I lack any real creativity these days. Creativity in my past was inspired and, in a sense, released into the world as if it was always there, poised in the starting blocks waiting for the sound of the gun. Now it feels forced. I'm speaking as an artist and musician, who has been more of a mimic than a trailblazer - but there have always been sparks of genuine vision and conception - it's all gone now. That is what I think has led to my profound procrastination these days. I can't even think of what to do, let alone do it.

Men in general are motivated by doing things more than talking about it. Women are usually the opposite. That's just a hard-wired reality, it's not wrong or right, just the way it is. Therefore, when we men get old and tired and lack the vim and vigor we once had we tend to sit there and do nothing, or putz around as I like to call it. Women continue to talk. I definitely procrastinate far more than my wife. She, being roughly the same age still gets things done (often by gently reminding me to follow through) and thank the Lord! I can't imagine how staid I'd be without her.

My situation is probably not all that unusual, but how would I know, men don't talk about these things. I have all the time in the world, but I don't pick up the phone and call my friends or my brothers and sisters just to talk. I probably should, but then they'd think I want something, if I don't then they'd worry something's wrong. See what I did there? Rationalize much...

Right now, I'm procrastinating on how to finish this thought. I'm not seeking answers as they probably do not exist. I should give it some real thought and get back to you... Nah, I don't want to, not now anyway.