by Craig Willms
I had an epiphany the other day. I don't want anything anymore. By that I mean I don't have strong desires anymore. Most of the time I don't want to do anything. At the time of this writing I am 65 years old, old enough yes, but not ancient. I suspect most people at 65 still have wants and desires. It's a good thing to want, a good thing to strive, a good thing to want to get up in the morning and it's good thing to look forward to tomorrow as we lie down at the end of the day.
All this hit me the other day as I contemplated the eternal question we all have to deal with every single day "What's for dinner?" Indeed. As I ran through the options in my mind I skipped right past dinner into our nightly TV viewing hour. My wife will ask "what do you want to watch?" I always say "I don't care, anything." I always say that. The truth is I don't care. Then I thought, what can we do besides watch TV, play cards maybe, a long walk, a backyard bonfire?? Meh. It made consider a fact about myself, I don't want anything.
Is this normal? I think not. I have a friend who is always planning, always scheming (in a good way) always looking forward to the next thing, the next vacation, the next purchase - the next dream. He is my age. Why don't I do these things? Not only does he have these desires, he takes action towards achieving them. I don't do anything. Yeah, I might think ahead enough to go fill up the gas can so I can mow the lawn tomorrow, but that's about it.
I'm a musician, a professional one at that. By that I mean that I perform in front of an audience and I get paid. I have performed all my adult life. Mind you, I've never lived off performing, it's a tough racket trying to make your living playing music. My closest friends are musicians, many still perform live. I say this to get back to the point of wants and desires. We musicians always want more, more more - more gear. There is always something we want that we don't have. Most of the time we don't need the thing we want, but we want it just the same. It's a sickness, it's called G.A.S. - gear acquisition syndrome. I don't have it anymore. Anything that had a strong pull on me I've already got. All those things that I used to drool over have lost their appeal. To that end I quit buying things a few years ago. That should have been a warning sign.
That leads me to today when I realize I don't want anything; I don't want to do anything. Obviously, I will do things, but they won't come out me, out of my mind. I follow along now. Nothing we do or plan to do is a result of my brainstorms or my desires. I will travel, reluctantly. I will go to the dentist, if my wife makes the appointment. I will take the dog for a walk, because she wants to. I will go to a concert, if a friend suggests it. This is weird, right? This is not fair to my wife, because she does want to do things, have new experiences, she has things she wants to look forward to. And... God bless her, she wants me to be there.
I looked into the future and pictured myself staring blankly out the window for long hours, doing nothing else. Maybe, a glass half full person would say, hey you're contented, this is good, right? Or the glass half empty person (me) will say, oh shit, I've got dementia setting in.
Considering my health problems I'm thinking it's the latter. I've heard old men, much older than me say, all I want is a good night's sleep and good bowel movement. I used to laugh, now I find I agree, that's all I want too. This is sad and kind of frightening.
I do believe that I am at the early stages of dementia. If I say this to other people they scoff and say you're just getting older, we all slow down, it happens to us all.
OK, if you say so.
P.S. I shall have to amend this with something that slipped my mind at the time. A few years ago I took up e-biking. Quite often I find myself 'wanting' to go for a bike ride, as happened immediately after pushing the publish button on this post. I really enjoy it. So there, I do want do something every so often.
Craig Willms
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