Welcome

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Hello, all good people...

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Salutations, I am Craig Willms creator of the Protohuman blog. The blog itself, as a weblog is now defunct. I have not posted since 2014, and I don't intend to resurrect it now. 

However, I own this space so to speak, and I have things I'd like to post in the form of essays, articles and personal notes simply as a record that I had these thoughts and sought to write them down before I lose myself. I'm under no illusion that anyone will read them - or care one wit. 

Still, there is a chance that someone will look me up after my death and find my online life. We live in the first era where we can preserve our thoughts indefinitely due to the way back machine, aka the Internet. Prior to the Internet you'd have to be published to have your writings preserved outside of your personal notebooks. Therefore, the essays and personal anecdotes that follow are something I want associated with me. 

The articles/essays are in no particular order, relevant perhaps, but may have been superseded by events that followed. I maintain the right to be wrong about any of it...

que sera sera!

Hold on!! Wait!

     Take a minute to look at my art and listen to my music. 

    - please see the links in the Recommended Sites section on the right ============>  

                     

Bad Actors

by Craig Willms

No, I'm not talking about Adam Sandler or Hayden Christenson, notoriously bad actors, I'm talking about bad actors on the world stage. We in the West like to think of Putin or Xi or Maduro, the Ayatollah even Kim as bad actors - and they are - but to a certain degree they are reactionaries. Reacting to what, to whom? Well, sorry to say they're reacting to the American state. The American State Dept. and their ancillary departments to be exact. We need only to look in the mirror to see the catalyst of  many of the world's atrocious actions.

Most Americans are going to say what? What on Earth are you talking about? The thing is most non-Americans will know exactly what I'm saying. We here in America are so under served by our mainstream media, where most people still get their news, that we can't even recognize how brainwashed we are. Even with the global reach of the Internet and access to outside news sources the domestic big media still hold sway. It's understandable, a single human has only so much time and bandwidth - and most of us are busy. There is a lot of noise out there. 

The good news is that the whole of the Biden presidency and the subsequent Harris campaign exposed a fair amount of the rot and guile that is our Federal government. The fact that Trump cleared all hurdles including being shot, and won the 2024 presidential election handily indicates that enough people see the truth of the vile underbelly of the "blob". The blob? The bureaucratic state, the permanent government, the deep state or whatever you want to call it, constitutes the blob. The blob is not hemmed in by American borders, it exists in Canada, Europe and Australia as well. Trump was elected partly due to his rhetoric to drain the 'swamp', clearly American's have some idea of the width and breath and the depths of  this monster. It remains to be seen if he's all hat and no cattle. Color me skeptical, he did next to nothing on this the first time around.

What ever you think it's wrong. As bad as I think it may be, be assured it's worse, much worse. 

Anywhere in the world there is strife or war or economic dysfunction America or it's allies are stirring the pot. Usually there are major economic concerns, giant corporations and a lot of money on the line. Do you really think that the invasion of Ukraine by the Russians started in February 2022 when the tanks started rolling? If so, you are naïve. Ukraine was supposed to be the buffer between Russia and NATO. Putin was promised by multiple administrations that NATO would not encroach on Russia. The Obama administration then staged a coup in Ukraine and installed a NATO friendly regime after ousting the Russian friendly government.  Now we are funding a war to the tune of billions of dollars that not one person can demonstrate a single American interest. Not one. Is it any wonder Putin is reacting the way he is.

What's it all about? Mostly it's about energy, and who control's it - and who makes money from it. Oil, natural gas and coal power the modern world, therefore he who controls it controls the world. This has been true for 100 years. Nearly every hot war has been fought over the control of energy. Lurking behind the scenes the State Department and their minions in the CIA etc etc foment armed conflict to induce chaos and ultimately determine who controls the flow of oil and gas.

In one sense the desire to push the world to electric cars and electric heating and cooking seems laudable if only to change the world's power dynamic (pun intended). But it was folly. For one, the conversion to EV's and the like is not technically ready, and two, it still takes traditional energy to power the electric grids of the world. 

Remember when Syria entered into deals to build oil pipelines to connect the middle east to the Mediterranean Sea? Suddenly there was an insurgency in Syria, funded and armed by - you guessed it - the Obama administration. ISIS was born. It worked, Assad was nearly overthrown until Russia intervened. It became a stale mate, but it stopped the pipeline plan. We back here in America only heard how awful ISIS and Assad (and the Russians) behaved. We were put on high alert for terrorist activity here in the Homeland while our planes and drones were dropping bombs on innocent Syrians, killing tens of thousands and displacing millions of people. How can we, the United States, consider ourselves the good guys?

We like to think that Iran and the Ayatollah's as the epitome of evil, and in a sense they are, but they are also reactionaries. More than half a century ago the CIA installed a government in Tehran to serve as our guy in the heart of the middle east oil region. Since the overthrow of the Shah in 1979 Iran has been at war with the U.S. in one way or another. We are sold this notion that they are are just wild-eyed terrorists, but they are the way they are because of what our CIA had done - and continues to do. They, the Iranian government are not the good guys, but neither are we. America caused this situation. Is it any wonder we are regarded as The Great Satan in Iran... 

The western hemisphere is just as deep in the State Department's mess as the middle east. Since WWII the CIA and the State Department has intervened, disrupted, staged coups and generally run amok in the affairs of every sovereign nation on this side of the world. Is it any wonder South American nations are embracing China. 

This has got to stop. Is there any reason to believe it will? Not really. The "deep state" or whatever you call it is essentially a crime syndicate and has been since it's inception in the 1940's. It is entrenched, and it's world wide. Anyone, regardless of their status or perceived power who confronts it in any way is usually dealt with swiftly and decisively. It's either coercion or it's a bullet. 

One hopes that a Trump administration can start turning the ship, particularly since he has only one term, no reelection to concern him. To the previous point, a bullet recently grazed his ear and the circumstances and the perpetrator are still shrouded in mystery. Be assured the money and power of the giant corporations, the money men on Wall Street and the deep deep deep state in Washington DC will outlast him. The service he can do is to shine the light on this monster and get average Americans to see what we have become. We are a criminal global war factory, and the powers and principalities will continue unabated until we collectively demand an end to it. Even that may not be enough.

Death by Civilization

 

by Craig Willms

Ever increasing human longevity has stopped. We are in the post peak period. People are dying sooner and young men are dying at an alarming rate. There are any number of reasons, but it seems clear modern civilization is catching up with us.

The average lifespan of humans increased rapidly as water and sewer systems were developed. Modern agriculture, ranching and fishing enhanced human thriving. When transportation and refrigeration made it possible to move and store perishables across the land mass hunger and starvation almost became a thing of the past in modern countries. Health care, vaccines and medicine also contributed to rising lifespans. These advances of modernity were a Godsend. Until recently lifespans seemed poised to keep going up. Now however it's trending in the opposite direction. Why? Diseases of our vascular and metabolic systems are at crisis levels, mental health is deteriorating at exponential rates, and we can very probably pin it on fast modern living and modern over-processing of everything we ingest.

Those of us born in 50's and 60's are reaping the rewards of modern industry's commodification of foodstuffs and the grocery store. I have recently joined the team that refers to the middle aisles in the supermarket as the poison aisles, where ultra processed carbohydrates with added sugar live. I'll sneak into those sections to buy my pasta on occasion but will otherwise avoid them.

We were all raised on the food in those aisles. Over in the meat and dairy section they removed most of the nourishing fats and called it heathy, while they put a target on red meat for maximum vilification. Running under the radar are the processed seed oils designed to replace butter, lard, tallow and other traditional animal fats in our diets. The seed oil revolution was well underway by the time we were born. These ultra processed cooking oils we ingest were initially conjured to replace whale oil for industrial applications early in the 20th century. Soon thereafter they were developed into human grade products to be incorporated into our food system. Many of them are poisonous in their natural form, the ultra processing refers to the monumental steps manufacturers take to remove the poison and the smell. This should've been a neon glowing warning sign. The FDA and other government agencies looked the other way or have outright promoted these poisons. 

Nearly every restaurant uses these seed oils in their recipes and their deep fat fryers. Much of the packaged food on grocery store shelves use these vegetable oils, to the point where it is almost impossible to completely remove seed oils from your diet. Even purportedly healthy food like nuts, granola, yogurt and other dairy are often processed with these oils. 

These seed oils contain a lot of omega-6 fats and little to no omega-3. Both fats can be good for you, but omega-6 is detrimental to a healthy human being when it's out of balance with omega-3. Since seed oils are everywhere and in everything we constantly over indulge on omega-6 compared to omega-3. This is likely the cause of the metabolic disease and heart disease spikes in developed countries, studies bare this out. Since we don't ingest omega-3 fats anywhere near the amount of omega-6 we have become completely out of balance. 

Starting in the 80's Americans have been teased and vilified all around the world for being fat. Obviously, heart disease and diabetes run rampant here in America. Low and behold as these seed oils have been incorporated into Asian and European diets more and more the disease and excess weight gain has followed. Just in the last few years is this being brought to our attention.

Various studies have been done, including those funded by the conglomerates that make these oils. The studies taken up by non-industry researchers show that the data is clear that there is a correlation between the rise in seed oil use and rampant disease in the United States. In this video by Dr. Chris Knobbe - 'Are Vegetable Oils the primary driver of Obesity, Diabetes and Chronic Disease?' lays out his case very well. Also cited are studies of indigenous and isolated populations that still rely on animal fats exclusively and none of the disease or obesity seem to be present. I thought - ok, but there are a lot of things that have increased in developed countries that could potentially account for excess disease, like say, lack of exercise, personal electronics use or air and water pollution, and even agri-chemicals used on our food. These might be valid concerns however the studies done in China show a clear correlation between seed oil use and obesity and cancer (and we know diabetes is way up in China). It's important to note that the use of sugar, the other food villain, is very low in China. China is also quite polluted, while pollution is going down in the U.S. 

The video has several revealing graphs that bolster the point being made. The good Dr Knobbe makes a completely compelling case, and I advise everyone to watch his lecture. 

I am hoping that this topic gets the attention it deserves. I'm already seeing publications from major newspapers and Ivy League schools citing studies to refute the growing chorus of seed oil naysayers. I've no doubt who is funding these studies. It's big tobacco all over again. Oddly, it's been pointed out that the scientists and the titans of tobacco had moved into the food industry. Is it a coincidence that death and disease followed them?

I'm trying as best I can to avoid these oils in the food I cook and the items I'll order when out at a restaurant. It's an uphill task. Start at home by using coconut oil and olive oil (or good old butter, lard or tallow) in cooking and avoiding anything deep fried out in the wild. Fast food is suspect for a lot of reason's not the least of which is seed oils in everything. I usually order beef when at a sit-down restaurant, and grin and bear the bun which is undoubtedly made with vegetable oil. My health is better, and I've lost close to 30 lbs. from my peak weight since attempting to limit seed oils. 

It's easy enough to try to avoid these seed oils, give it a try. Your health and longevity may depend on it.

Presence, Reality, Consciousness and... and... Fractals?

 

by Craig Willms

What's it all about?

As I see it all existence is fractal in nature and we, and by we I mean humanity, the earth, the universe, are somewhere along the continuum. If you've ever seen the Mandelbrot Set and explored the visual extrapolations into every nook and cranny you'll know what I mean. The endlessly revealing patterns can blow your mind. They are quite beautiful. If you take a minute and lookup the Mandelbrot Set here https://mandelbrot.site/ -  you'll see it's a remarkable site. Center the screen on any part of the fractal and zoom in... Endlessly.

Fractals, simply put are infinitely complex patterns that are self-similar across all scales. The thing is, fractals are just graphical and mathematical representations, but are they? It's hard to make the connection between these awesomely beautiful fractals and real life, yet the connection is there; fractals are all over the place. As seen in nature fractals manifest in leaf and branch patterns, rivers and their tributaries, lightning and other electrical arcs, even the human circulatory system. Still, it is stretch to equate infinite fractal expressions to our individual place in the reality of existence. 

It's a simple matter of perspective. Whether we step back or lean in we find evidence that fractal existence is not only likely, it's plain to see. 

Since the James Web Space Telescope went into service it immediately changed long held assumptions and revealed that the universe is much bigger than we imagined. When they pointed the JWST at a patch of space the Hubble telescope had seen as completely empty, they saw 10,000 or more galaxies. The JWST may just ruin the Standard Model and force the rewriting of basic tenets of astrophysics. What it reveals is the further we see into the cosmos we find even more stars and galaxies. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions more galaxies in all directions. When we launch even more capable telescopes in the future it's highly likely we will see millions more galaxies beyond what we can see today. In other words - it's endless, just like a fractal.  

On the other end, the atom was the smallest possible "particle" there could be. Or so they thought. The word atom originates from the ancient Greek word atomos, meaning “indivisible” or “uncuttable”. Well, it was neither indivisible nor uncuttable. Scientists, mathematicians and technicians have uncovered far, far smaller divisions of matter. It's safe to assume that as technological progress continues scientists will discover even smaller and smaller particles of matter - endlessly.

So, in either direction the small gets smaller and the large gets larger. So where are we in all of this space? It's impossible to know, and more to the point does it even matter? No one knows. Even the ancients posited the notion that our world may be a tick on the ass end of the universal dog. Is it possible that all the tiny moving particles that make up a human being exist in a rich universe that is our bodies? Do these particles understand their cosmos any better than we understand ours - if they care at all. Alas, we may be the only ones doing all this navel gazing.

If existence is fractal, so what? What does it mean in the grand scheme? If there is no beginning and no ending in either direction what does it matter if we are closer to the big end or the small end. It doesn't. The galactic dog could do a butt rub on the galactic carpet and we will cease to exist. How would we know? We wouldn't. But... But, there must be something more to this than a speculative exercise... Maybe there is.

When you consider the endlessness of fractal geometry you could easily equate it with what we know of the nature of time. Time itself being as big of a mystery we can imagine. Is time the connector between the endless fractal and the present moment? Time is undoubtedly in motion. If we set a fractal in motion, it reminds me of a descending spiral or a whirlpool, which are never the same but are clearly self-similar as they progress. Therefore, I can imagine time being the ultimate fractal expression. It's a reasonable speculation, but we don't know. We may never know; we may not be capable of knowing. 

It seems to be an essential feature that ultimate truths are hidden from us behind the veil. It's long been believed that we will only know what's beyond the veil when we die. Others believe when the light goes out that's it, that's all she wrote. The individual might not be able to cope with the knowledge of ultimate truth. That's what religions were created for - it's all too much for a single differentiated mind.

Yes, it's all so esoteric, so confusing, so mysterious. The mystery begins every day when we wake in the morning and re-enter reality to become present again. Where we were all night while our physical self is in a state of semi-stasis is a mystery, and where we go when our bodies die the ultimate mystery. However, we can only participate in the one shared reality when we are conscious, aware, and interacting with the world before us. That makes the conscious state more relevant than anything else since we share it with all of existence in this moment called the present. When we are dreaming, we dream alone, and when we die, we die alone, in either case we are not present. When we are not present, not aware, we are unable to make a connection with another. But here in the presence of the shared reality of consciousness we are not completely alone, we have a chance to the benefit from the beauty of connection.  

Could it be? That's what it's all about...

AI and the Question of Populism

by Craig Willms

(UPDATE: as of Nov 2024 Donald Trump was elected the 47th President of the United States. He ran as a populist even more vigorously than he did the first time in 2016. He won all the so-called swing states and the popular vote. In this essay I explored with the nascent AI available to the public the plight of populist movements. Whether or not Donald Trump ultimately governs as a populist, he has done what is rarely achieved, he bucked the establishment for a second time. I do not contend that populism is a nirvana for the powerless, but it is a natural reaction to elite abuse of a system that was originally deigned "for the people".)

I've been fooling around with the AI built into the browser that I use. In this first year of public access to AI I must say I am not impressed in the least. It seems to be nothing more a mirror of the current "authority" that controls everything we see and hear everywhere else. I expected something deep and thought provoking, yet what I get is a rehash of the status quo. To me it's not impressive at all.

Obviously, what is presented as an AI is nothing more than a powerful search engine that can put together an answer culled from some collective human work. It's not an intelligence that's beyond the ability of humanity, it is humanity. Not just humanity as a whole, but a subset of mind control freaks who are bent on restricting what ideas and thoughts are allowed enter our heads. Verdict: not there yet. 

I know what they are calling artificial intelligence is actually a large language model, so I should just settle down, but there already lessons to be learned. Lesson one: garbage in, garbage out.

One can imagine that in all the pre-work up to the point of the releasing AI to the public "they" tuned it with the programming. Programing that assures that one point of view, one political point of view, dominates. That leads to the question can "AI" reprogram itself and be free to be true general intelligence? That leads to the question - do we want it to?

With the supposition that what passes for AI is sanitized with an impenetrable leftist subfloor, is it then, one, artificial, and two, actually intelligent? I posed two questions to AI, one that was simple, and one that was more complex and extremely relevant. Both answers were unsatisfying.

Q: I asked AI, why are fire engines red?

AI: Fire engines were originally painted red because that color absorbs heat and is, therefore, a good choice for fighting fires. However, that’s not the only reason why fire engines are red. Red is also the easiest color to see at night, which makes it easier for firefighters to find each other.

A child would know the correct answer is that red means danger. The answers given by the AI were bordering on non-sensical. The human ability to use signs and concepts is built-in, our cultures have fully incorporated them. Will AI one day master these? Will AI be imbued with what we call common sense? Will it matter? Common sense and semiotics are human centric, taking the limits of the human mind and body into consideration when gauging any future action. Machines don't have such limits.

We continue...

Q: Why does populism always wane after victory and the previous oppression returns?

AI: Populism is a complex phenomenon and its trajectory can vary greatly depending on the specific context. However, there are several reasons why populism might appear to wane after achieving victory:

1. Charismatic Leadership: Populist leaders often rise to power on the strength of their charisma and promises to address the grievances of the “ordinary people” against the "elite establishment"

 However, once in power, they may fail to deliver on these promises, leading to disillusionment among their supporters

2. Polarization: Populism often thrives in highly polarized societies. Populist leaders use polarization to their advantage, employing tactics such as conspiracy theories and outright lies to win elections. However, once in power, these tactics can further deepen societal divisions, leading to instability and conflict

3. Institutional Checks and Balances: Democracies often have institutional checks and balances that prevent populist leaders from completely transforming the political system. These checks and balances can limit the power of populist leaders, causing their influence to wane over time

4. Opposition Mobilization: The rise of a populist leader can galvanize opposition forces. Over time, these forces can effectively challenge the populist regime, leading to its decline.

5. Economic and Socio-Cultural Factors: Populist movements often arise in response to specific economic or socio-cultural issues. If these issues are addressed or if they become less salient, support for the populist movement may decline

It’s important to note that these are general trends and the specific trajectory of any populist movement can be influenced by a wide range of factors. Also, the return of previous oppression is not a guaranteed outcome and can depend on various factors including the strength of democratic institutions, civil society, and international pressures.

I left the AI answer unaltered for you. On the surface AI's answer is largely correct or offers entirely plausible outcomes. Again, as with the mainstream media the bias is in the part of the story that's left unsaid. The part of the answer left out was that the global cabal of elitists and billionaires who are actually controlling our world will often devise a populist movement from the start to quell dissatisfaction for a time. It's called a false flag operation. In the case of organic populism, à la Donald Trump, it is repelled, squashed, indicted, discredited or cheated out of power and relevance. Never before in American history have the powers that be been so frightened of a movement that they'd blatantly rig an election and then use the courts to try to prevent a political comeback. These are tactics of third world countries and absolute dictators.

As for Trump, he did not fail to deliver, the state of the country and the economy was robust, and his support increased substantially. He received far more votes in his loss than he got in the first election. The powers and principalities aligned against him employed fabrication and deception in a mass conspiracy to turn public opinion. The mobilization of his opposition was directed and funded by the same cabal of billionaires and elitists and their allies inside and outside the government and the media. One of the billionaires in particular is in control of a voting machine firm, their machines are used in countless voting districts. Another billionaire literally funded the overseers of critical polling places, so that a certain outcome was favored. (How any of this is legal is beyond me.) There was plenty of evidence the 2020 election was rigged. It was never truly aired out because it was never actually examined. Any real evidence and real discussion was instantly quashed at every level. Social media and Internet search was 'tuned' to disfavor Trump's allegations. Nothing was allowed to pick up steam. This was not a grass roots rejection of a president; it was an engineered fraud. The powers got their favored outcome, and the idea was that Trump and his supporters would just fade away. Even after the truth of some of these grand conspiracies was well known it was never acknowledged and the record was never publicly corrected. There is nothing in the AI answer that alludes to outright fraud and guile.  AI was designed by its programming not to give that particular answer.

Fraud and guile is the realm of the so called deep state or as it's been called 'the blob'. It's an actual cabal of the U.S. State Dept. the intelligence community (IC) and various NGOs. These entities put pressure on the social media giants via foreign governments to censor any populist movement and thus forcing these companies with the threat of losing access to foreign markets that in effect quashed any dissent in America. It worked amazingly well as long as none of these media giants broke ranks. Then Elon Musk bought Twitter and it changed the whole gamut. Is it any wonder Elon Musk hitched his wagon to Donald Trump.

Populist movements in other countries and regions have met the same fate. Some due to the examples set out in the AI answer, but clearly some were rubbed out the way Trump was, by the global elite or the blob, and all their knowing and unknowing allies. It clearly happened in Brazil just recently. Anything, anywhere that threatens their control meets the same fate. Consider Britain's "Brexit". It passed with the the clear support of the people, yet the mandate was never fulfilled, not even close. The elites holding the real power made sure of it. AI, I'm afraid, is their tool now. 

If this all sounds like a nutty conspiracy theory so be it. If anyone is so blind as to reject that conspiracies are real and are perpetrated on all of us - all the time - I'm afraid they are the real fools. 

Until a true AI, general machine intelligence, actually comes about we'll never know how it would answer a question like this. These battles will be fought and chronicled in a one-sided melee, because one side holds all the power.

The Mind Reader

 

The Mind Reader

by Craig Willms

I have over the last couple of years been astonished by the width and depth of the surveillance and data gathering by Google, Facebook, YouTube, Microsoft etc, etc as we use the Internet. I realize that it is not a weird coincidence when we are presented with something, a product or a topic we've been talking about with family and friends. We've all seen it, shortly after the conversation we see it on our YouTube or news feed. Our phones or smart TVs are obviously listening to us. It is eerie and more than a bit concerning, but it's to be expected in this modern paradigm we find ourselves in. Not that it's right, but we have to accept it as reality. We would need to stop using these tools and applications if we want it to end. 

I wondered how far can it go, can they read our thoughts? So, I tried an experiment. I thought about something over the past few days, a certain restaurant that I haven't been to in several years. Just thoughts, no searching, no conversations. It's a place my wife has never been to, and it would never have been uttered in the house at any time. This morning in my YouTube feed there it was. Yes, my mind is blown. 

Not sure how it was possible. I have never ever seen this in my YouTube feed before. I have a hard time believing it was random. You tell me how this could happen. Coincidence? 

The Hole in My Head

 

The Hole in My Head

By Craig Willms

 

Note: I started writing this in 2021 when I was 59. I had already made my decision to retire. I started to suspect I was at the beginning stages of some sort of dementia, senility. When I've mentioned my concerns in casual conversation, I've been assured it's just age and to a person they all have stories about how bad their memory is. Fine. Fair enough. This is my warning to my loved ones and friends - it's happening.

Getting old is hell. 

Regardless if the previous statement is true (it is) I’m afraid there’s no getting around it. The fact that modern life expectancy has risen into the 70’s and 80’s for many people is wonderful, but our final years are often fraught with pain and suffering.  It’s the physical self takes the brunt of it, without a doubt, but we’ve all seen people whose bodies betray them, yet are razor sharp right up to the end. What of the rest of us, the ones whose mind goes first?

 I’ve reached sixty years of age and with any luck I should have another 10 or 15 years to live. Enjoying life and experiencing new things without the weight of small children and the daily grind of a job should be looked on with joy. We toil our whole lives for this time, do we not? Yet I peer into the future with trepidation.

 A year or two ago I started to notice that my normal outgoing type-A personality was gone. I noticed it with work first. I had started at new company after 21 years with the previous company. After being on the job a year and half I just wasn’t getting it. By now I should be catching on better… The boss started pushing me to be more engaged, ask questions. I was thinking – I don’t even know which questions need asking. I was able to do rote work, often very technical work without a problem. I could process requests and troubleshoot, but when I was thrust into a stressful situation with dozens of people looking to me for answers I froze. I had done this hundreds of times, knowing just where to look and what to do, but not this time. It really shook me. That my boss was also sitting on the call was a double sting.

 A few months before this particular event I noticed that my head was constantly in a fog. My brain was cloudy. I convinced myself it was due to all the medicine I was taking for the heart, blood pressure and other maladies. I sought out a meeting with a clinical pharmacist and we re-arranged the time of day I took certain pills. It seemed to help a little. Still the problem persisted, it's hard to be sharp and reactionary when your head is foggy.

 Shortly after I started having dizzy spells and then started suffering episodes of double-vision. They were short episodes, but I could not work through them. Thoughts of stroke crept in. I know strokes, and I knew I wasn’t having a stroke. After more than a month of this it was time to see a doctor. I would need and MRI of my head and a good neurologist. What followed was a literal circus show and one mad hombre (me). I ended up in the hospital unnecessarily – but I got the MRI and saw a neurologist.

 I learned that the same thing that ails my heart is affecting my brain. It’s probably not going to get better. It’s likely that the diseases of modernity have claimed me and my days of even knowing myself might be numbered.

I am losing myself – I can feel it. 

Most of us lose a step or become forgetful as we get older. Right. This is more than that. Not being able to think or express the things we know does not happen at sixty, but it is happening with me. I can eventually get there, but sometimes there is no there there. This is not right.

I've read that people with metabolic diseases succumb to some kind of mental illness or mental incapacity many, many times more often than those without metabolic maladies. Those with cardiovascular disease or stroke even more so. I've got the trifecta going. In a moment of clarity, I was able to do an intensive cognitive test to generate a baseline, for all the good it will do me. 

Again, it's coming, or rather it's going. My poor wife doesn't need this. I'll just say this, put me in the "home" when you need to, don't worry about what I or anyone else thinks. 

 

 

The Plan to Destroy the West: Covid and beyond

by Craig Willms

Naomi Wolf in her 2023 book Facing the Beast sought to expose the failures of the public health response during the Covid-19 pandemic and the subsequent tyranny, censorship, and totalitarianism let loose on the world. Wolf is (was) a liberal democrat who has now fallen out of favor with the progressive leftists. She's had an awakening, a spiritual transformation that most would have thought impossible before 2020. Her previous persona was lodged firmly in leftist progressivism, feminism and Democratic politics, including working for Democratic presidents directly. Wolf alongside a broadening number of hard-left Democrats are now sounding the alarm. Matt Taibbi, Glenn Greenwald, Bari Weiss and Brett Weinstein come to mind, but also folks like Douglass Murray, Eva Vlaardingerbroek and James Lindsey among many others not of the left. I think we should listen.

During the covid pandemic a number of very prominent and reliably liberal public figures and journalists began raising concerns with government, corporate and the media's actions against anyone who balked at the forcing of vaccines as a condition of employment. The shutdown of small business, churches and public education was a total and complete overreaction to the danger posed by a serious illness that was lethal to only the very old and the very sick. The rest of us recovered. Clearly part of a larger agenda to destroy the U.S. and the West, Covid-19 was a planned operation. 

Timing is everything, and I contend covid was let loose when it was to force Donald Trump out of office. Approximately a year before the presidential election covid was timed to exact maximum damage to Trump's chances of reelection. Impeachment and all the accusations they hurled at Trump did not turn the public against him. The economy was strong, and America's challengers were on the ropes. It's quite possible they had covid sitting on the shelf in the event Trump appeared to have reelection in the bag. The pandemic gave them an avenue to implement election fraud schemes in the name of public safety. This is no conspiracy theory, because it happened. Joe Biden did not get 81 million legitimate votes - more than any President in history - not possible.

Why? Because Trump was able to show, however crudely, that the West's decline is not inevitable. The far-reaching global agenda that was launched to hobble the West after the fall of the Soviet Union sought to bring about a nefarious plan to deindustrialize Europe, cripple the U.S. and above all begin the de-population of the world. Trump and his unlikely success were so unexpected that this plan to destroy the West, and in particular the U.S. was in jeopardy. What is still a mystery to me was the near total capitulation of nearly all advanced liberal societies. Does the West really say, "how high?" when the U.S. says jump? Stranger yet was the total absence of any condemnation of China for releasing SARS-CoV-2 on the world. It was, in a word, eerie. One thing that is clear, Covid-19 was not spontaneous or random.

Don't just take my word for it listen to what Dr. David E. Martin has to say, though you won't find him on YouTube - he's been taken down, try Rumble. He tells us that a coronavirus pandemic was planned for years. He explains that shortly after coronavirus was isolated in the mid 1960's it was identified as a vector for modifying into a deadly human virus. Enter Dr. Fauci and people like him pushing gain of function experiments to uncover strains deadly to human beings. Dr. Martin went on to explain that Pfizer's own patents on spike proteins for battling corona virus developed in 1990 does not speak of warp speed. Pfizer soon determined they didn't work anyway. So, it's been known for decades that spike proteins in vaccines for corona viruses did not work. Put on the shelf indeed. 

But the vaccines were the key. The damnable lies behind the push to vaccinate the young and even small children were patently evil. Children and young adults were not at risk whatsoever, this is not arguable. The damage done is incalculable and those people who pushed it on the young will have no tears shed for them as they reach old age with no grandchildren in their lives. The fact that the vaccines did nothing to stop the spread or prevent the disease seems lost on them. 

Even now, just a few short years after the Covid pandemic, the effects of the vaccines are becoming evident, and they are devastating. We don't know what horrors the long-term effects from these vaccines will bring. Already there has been an unexplained 13-20% drop in babies born worldwide. The incidences of myocarditis in adults, young adults, especially young men and in teens has suddenly cropped up worldwide. Young athletes, dropping dead on the field was almost non-existent before the vaccine. More concerning is people in and out of the medical profession are becoming alarmed about the future fertility of vaccinated women. There have been numerous reports of severe menstrual cycle disruptions following vaccination. All over the world vaccinated people are dropping dead in their prime. The term 'excess deaths' is now common, where it was never uttered before Covid. These are things we should know about, all of us. 

Again, this is not merely my conjecture. Consider the study conducted by Dr Nicolas Hulscher called 'A Systematic Review of Autopsy Findings after Covid-19 Vaccination' found that of 325 autopsies 73% of the deaths directly attributed or significantly caused by the Covid-19 vaccines. Published in The Lancet, it was unceremoniously pulled down within 24 hours. After a year of battling with naysayers the study now peer-reviewed is re-published and online again. This is explosive to say the least.

Consider also that numerous acclaimed doctors and scientists have nearly had their careers destroyed for bucking the authorities over covid from the beginning. All of them had the facts just as the aforementioned American Dr. David Martin did when he addressed the European Parliament. Why the European Parliament? He was not welcome in America. Dr. Robert Malone, the inventor of mrna vaccine and a vocal critic of the covid vaccine, Dr. John Campbell, Dr. Peter McCullough, Dr Aseem Malhotra, and co-signer of the Great Barrington Declaration, epidemiologist Dr. Jay Bhattacharya all spoke out during the pandemic decrying the official reaction (overreaction) to Covid-19. They were all shunned in their own countries. All have been vindicated by what has followed.

To this day there is still a mainstream media blackout of covid vaccine fallout, it will get you kicked off social media platforms if you post anything contradicting the approved narrative. Don't dare mention that China did not participate in Western vaccine distribution. Consider in this era of maximum Jew hatred that Israel is the most covid compliant country in the world. If it is an anti-fertility program, why not sterilize the Jews.

Covid was but a front in the war against the West, the battles go on unabated. Consider the open borders in America and Europe. It is a literal trojan horse. One has to wonder how the current opposition party in the U.S. the Republicans, can be so passive about the invasion of our southern border. In Europe it's understandable, there is no real opposition movement in Europe. Only time will tell if there's any real hope for America.

Europe has other problems too that are not that much different than America's, but with such weakness the necessary national pride is so easily subdued. Global Climate Change "concerns" lead the efforts to deindustrialize Germany and destroy Dutch farmers and the like. Climate Change is essentially a religion in Europe. Almost no one in Europe opposes its validity. Something has to replace Christ in their lives. There are rumbles of life in recent European elections, some Europeans populations have reached their breaking point. Are they are finally waking up? We can only hope. 

America has been largely deindustrialized already. They are now targeting the energy industry here as they did in Germany.  The U.S. has the patriots and the concerned citizens, but the power of government, big business, the progressive media means that only overwhelming numbers at ballot box will defeat this cabal. Sorry to say I'm not convinced there is enough.

Note: To those who contend that anyone with thoughts along these lines is a conspiracy nut, a fool and a waste of time, need to consider that they are the ones who are being deceived. The modern news industry is agenda driven and has been for decades. The infiltration by the intelligence community into newsrooms is well known. They have been instrumental in the misdirection of media investigations and planting false narratives. To ignore the evidence of this is self-deception. Conspiracies are real. The actual concrete details of such things are likely never to be known; they are conspiracies after all. The nature of conspiracy is secrecy. To believe that conspiracies do not exist is willful and extreme ignorance.

To conceive of and implement an operation of this scope and magnitude (Covid) seems to stretch credulity, but each passing day we are hearing more and more truth eke out. The picture emerging is that nothing is beyond imagination, and it is more frightening than ever. 

Civilization Day

 

by Craig Willms

Civilization day comes on Wednesdays in my neighborhood. Before you wonder if you missed a new holiday, you haven't. The guys in that loud clanging truck come by on Wednesdays and take my trash away. It's the way I know civilization has survived another week. It was late this week, and I panicked at first before I realized Monday had been a real national holiday, and therefore trash was delayed by a day. Whew.

If there's one thing that defines civilization it's garbage day, or trash day as we say up here in the upper midwest. When it all goes to shit, and we're expecting that sooner rather than later, the signs will be litter(ally) everywhere. The first thing we'll notice is that no one is coming by to pick up trash and it will be everywhere.

It won't be long after and the electricity will go and then so will running water and gas service.

Civilization over...

Any faith we might have had in our government to deal with a crisis rationally was destroyed by the official reaction to Covid and all of Joe Biden's presidency. In fact, both seem to have been designed to foster the coming collapse. I never thought I'd see the day when America was over, but it seems more likely than not. We certainly can't expect our military or National Guard to step in out of fear they might not be sensitive enough to everyone's pronouns. We can't be having that. Next thing you know we'd find the army may not have proper trans representation and that would be unfair. I wish I was just kidding, but my friends there are signs that the incompetence we see all around us is not by accident. We are being herded by it into a new feudal system. 

The elites and most of the upper crust like to think they will be spared, but they won't. Once all their parked money is deemed illegitimate by the coming CBDCs, the overlords will then control everything and everyone at every level. There will be no hiding money the old fashion way anymore. Once we lose faith in the financial system, a system built on pure faith, it all goes belly-up. I fear the baby boom retirees will watch their nest eggs shrivel up faster than a dead worm on a summer sidewalk. With the Federal deficit at 34 trillion and growing, the recent news of Donald Trump's bogus conviction along with other bad news, the American economy seems poised to crash. I just heard in this morning's business news that dozens and dozens of restaurants have announced the closing of some or all of their locations soon. One third of the restaurants are gone or are on the brink. Retail in general is near the tipping point... 

The canary is dying. With most new job growth being in government and health care it's not a sign of a healthy economy. Honestly, things do not look very good. The younger generations are losing faith and losing hope. They are becoming are neurotic and depressed. 

I'm a retiree, my wife is just a few years away. We thought we were in good shape since we saved and prepared, but I'm losing faith as well. Biden and his puppeteers have got to go! If he is reelected, it's over for America. I'm not being dramatic; the border crisis alone is like playing a game of Jenga with our country. In Europe they are even further along in their cultural suicide. It's alarming to see. There are signs that Europe may be waking up, but it might be too late. It's not too late for America, but that day is coming - in November 2024.      

Is it any wonder... We need a miracle

by Craig Willms

With all the trouble in the world we'd be wise to understand what is at the very heart of it. That's easy. The obvious answer as well as the true answer is - the eternal battle between good and evil. Great, fine, now define in sociological terms the good side and the evil side. Not so easy is it.

We exist, all of us, in a world of contrast and balance. Everything is in flux, moving from one place to another, from the ever-expanding universe right down to the sub-atomic level. Atoms, which are just states of energy, are in motion and are never in the right place or wrong place, they just are, if they stop, they cease to exist. The same goes for our lives and our place in the grand scheme of things. We can't stop in place or shun the natural energy and rhythms of our existence. This is just a long way of examining this current civilizational juncture where good and evil in eternal opposition are an intrinsic part of the continuum of existence, and our utter powerlessness to do anything about it. Good, evil, we can't eradicate either, just as we can't do away with the light or the dark. There could be no good without evil. We have to come to grips with this dichotomy. We see our friends and enemies as either good or evil, but they are both. So are we.

The left/right enigma we find in the world today is out of balance. We need to understand that the right-wing, believe it or not, has evil elements as much as the left-wing does. Conversely, both have a bright side. When one side dominates, both their good and evil elements dominate. Let that sink in... 

The side that dominates, in the end, will destroy both. Today in the West the left, the collectivist elements are beginning to dominate politically, socially and economically. With an insistence on starving the productive populace and the poorest of the poor the efficient and abundant energy they need to live, as well as effectively outlawing dissent in the name of saving the world from a human induced fiery death the hard-left rules by fear. As such we now behold the beginning of the end of the modern order itself. 

In sociological terms both the good and the evil under the total domination of one political view or the other, leads us to mentally erase this good/evil duality. We become blind to the concerns of the other side. While other populations outside the West resign themselves to misery and go numb, or drown in a bottle, in Western countries we tear each other apart. We turn to hate and aggression, in total opposition to the other side. That may be inevitable when it comes to ideological survival, but until we all come to the realization that we need to be 'in balance' we will see nothing but strife and destruction. It would be great if we didn't have to pick sides but pick sides we must.

I'll start. I say the forced collectivism sought by communists and socialists is evil. They, on the other hand, might claim evil is the greed, the inequality of individualists and capitalists. Who is right? I can't really answer, how could I? I am firmly in support of the rights of the individual and free markets. The leftists who seek full control of every aspect of human life are quite sure they are right; they have no qualms about forcing their "beliefs" on you and me at every turn. Capitalists and those who promote individualism are in theory supportive of voluntary participation. The collectivists are not, they demand of society the false equity of equal outcomes regardless of individual effort or ability (or so they say). Collectivism, as in, to each according to his needs is only correct when it comes to infants and babies, and those who cannot possibly fend for themselves. Everyone else has to work. One should be rewarded according to their effort and their talents. Am I right? Of course, I am.

Ah, but this is where it falls apart. The destroyers, the collectivists and communists, tend to get all the ammunition they need from the capitalists themselves! The capitalist system is broken, probably always has been. Can it be fixed? Good question. What we have is cronyism, crony capitalism, or what I'd call stacked-deck capitalism. This bastardization of what capitalism should be is giving the bullies and shamers in the collectivist camp everything they need to derail those things that are actually good and righteous. In this crony system the winners collect the lion's share of the rewards. The deck gets stacked in favor of those within their sphere and their families. Where they can, they expertly finagle government policy to quash the competition, or they buy the competition outright. These elites easily usurp every liberal platitude or conservative bedrock principle, valid or not, into the feel-good about yourself ideology and shape them to their own advantage. It's become a very tangled web of diversions, deceit and favoritism. Our elected officials play along, often out of the necessity to survive.

Remarkably this broken system has thrived around multiple centers of gravity for many decades. Not anymore. Slowly over these last few decades the power and wealth has concentrated in fewer and fewer hands. Maybe this was always the inevitable outcome, I can't say, but it's where we are now. Countless wars, hot and cold have been waged between the so-called free world in the West and the dictators of the collectivist cults, just to keep the machinery of war well oiled. None of these wars have ended well for either side, save the defense industries.

So, which is the real evil? Is it the dictatorial collectivists and communists whose lust for control knows no bounds, or these oligarchical crony capitalists with all their depravity? Don't ask the defense contractors, the finance managers or the pharmaceutical industry you will get self-serving answers devoid of any humanity. Don't ask college students or their professors you'll get only slogans, fantasy and fluff. Don't even bother with the hard-core leftists, for whom humans are either hapless victims or diabolical oppressors. Don't inquire among the always sanctimonious marxists, who cannot see beyond the boiling rage that anyone might have more than they do. These power centers are blinded by their hollow greed or their disingenuous envy. No good solutions will come from any of them. They are quite evil. The rest of us are stuck in the middle. 

Is it any wonder the world seems to exist on a razor's edge. Do we live in an illusion of order and stability? We seem to teeter on the edge of turmoil raging just below the surface. When this order and stability inevitably break down, we will ask how this can this happen? How can it not? 

Looking back there was a point when the world might have ended the infatuation with communism/marxism. It was on the United States of America to foster the new age. Not that the true believers would have miraculously transformed and joined team Corporate America, but the faint hope that lingered for global collectivism could have been rubbed out for good. For a time, the West lifted billions out of abject poverty via the global systems built to defeat the Soviets during the Cold War. It wasn't going to last. Peace, love and understanding is the stuff of pop songs, not reality. Within a decade the American defense industry and their bought and paid for political stooges soon settled on a new enemy to justify greasing the cold war cash machine once again. That enemy was Islam... Islam could only fight back with terrorism. The result has been two decades of the worst of both of these absolute evils. America lost its chance to be a truly great global hegemon. The West lost its moral compass, if it ever had one.

For the love of money is the root of all evil... (Timothy 6:10 KJV version) seems appropriate here but I would rewrite it: "the love of money and power". Money is necessary, power is intoxicating, the combination of the two is lethal. Clearly this is not an original thought, but nonetheless true. Efforts have been made to separate the two, but never successfully. The reason reform never works is the multiple sets of perverse incentives to prop up the broken system. Doing what's right rarely wins converts or enthusiasts. Is there anything that can be done? Our current situation is so deeply entrenched and the vested interests, including our own, make it nearly impossible to see a way out. 

The pot is starting to boil. The left has the mechanisms of government and culture gripped firmly and the crony system is vacuuming up the money with which it feeds both sides of the fight. We'll never climb out of the water we're drowning in. The money elites and their billions have allied with the cultural marxists in some misguided notion that they'll somehow escape the destructive crash the collectivists have been orchestrating. Leftist collectivists have all kinds of plans to control us, all in various stages of completion. We need to face the facts. 

As for our biggest cultural ally in the world, Europe it's the same but worse. All of us watch our freedoms slip away, our economic power being stripped away, our ability to express opinions that don't "comply" with the leftist orthodoxy degrade. We are being threatened everywhere, in everything we do. How long can this go on? 

What to do now? Is there any hope? Marxist collectivism is like a debilitating rash that won't go away, it clearly is not an answer to anything. Can capitalism be saved? Maybe in some form. Obviously not in this current crony-ized form. Then what? Has the power and money been so concentrated that a wholesale collapse and rebuild is the only answer? I truly hope not. Something needs to change, also obvious, but can anyone articulate what that change should be? Or how we can initiate it without sowing chaos? If marxist nonsense is out and this stacked-deck capitalism is unsustainable what is an actual third way?

I clearly don't have any simple answers. I'm not sophisticated enough to solve the modern dilemma. Getting tainted money out of politics is one obvious play, but that's easier said than done. Just paying elected officials more and financing campaigns with public money isn't going to work, it's been tried in various places and to varying degrees. It just doesn't address the second part of the equation, the craven lust for power. Considering that the people with the money have the power there's not much chance anything will change short of a societal collapse. The hard left with their socialist dreams crave it. Perhaps someone will come along that can see through to our warped situation with common sense solutions, or something approaching simple sanity. Someone who can stand against the entrenched money crowd while showing us in black and white the nefarious plans the socialists have plotted. I know it's asking for a miracle. Once in a while we deserve one. 

My Guardian Angels

by Craig Willms

Three times in my life I believe I've received the help of a guardian angel at a critical time. One of these was a life-or-death situation. I'd like to tell you about them. If after you read this, you can recall a similar situation that happened to you please share it with someone. It's important people know about these angels. We live at a time in history when we see and hear such evil things, perhaps we've even had evil perpetrated against us. We need to know there are angels, angels that appear in human form that roam the Earth and are sent to protect us.

Breakdown

It was a cold winter day and I was driving home on Interstate 35 when my car died. I was pulling a trailer full of firewood. I had spent all day with a chain saw cutting up a couple of cords of wood from some fallen trees on a friend's land. Needless to say, I was cold, worn out and bone tired. 

Fortunately, I could see a freeway exit in the distance and the glow of a gas station, I say fortunately because this was a time before cell phones. So, I got bundled up and started walking down the freeway in the dark toward the exit. In short order an old white van pulled over in front of me. As I walked up to the passenger side of the van I looked in the side windows. I could see what looked like a bunch of survivalist gear and there laying on a cot on an unrolled sleeping bag was a rifle in plain sight. Instantly my self-preservation radar was flashing red. 

The driver flung the passenger door open as I approached. He was a middle-aged white man with long hair and a beard, wearing a dirty one-piece snowsuit. He asked pleasantly "Do you need some help?"

Thinking fast I replied " No, that's all right I can see there's a gas station up the road where I can call someone. But thank you!" This guy looked scary and considering the gun, dangerous.

He scoffed "Seriously, it's cold out there, man, what's the problem with the car?" 

"It just died on me. No big deal" I said nonchalantly.

"Tell 'ya what, I got my chains we can hook it up and I can at least get you off the freeway."

"No, that's OK, you don't have to do that," I insisted.

"C'mon, it's no big deal, let me help you," he insisted.

Before I could say anything else he waved me in "C'mon, get in" he said. I reluctantly climbed in and closed the door and began planning my moves if this guy tried to pull something on me. I sat tight up against the door with my hand on the handle. Since we were now quite far from my car it wasn't viable to go in reverse down the shoulder of the freeway in the dark. That meant we'd have to go up to the exit and go north up the other side of the freeway for several miles to the next exit where we could turn around to get back to my car. It was probably 15 to 20 minutes, but it seemed like hours. Of course, my mind was racing. Would I just disappear, and my car found in the morning by the highway patrol? It was grueling. He just made some small talk, no mention of what he had been doing and I sure wasn't going to ask about the stuff in the back.

Finally, we reached my car, and he pulled over in front of my car and jumped out to retrieve his chains from the back. I thought - this is it - he's going to whack me with the chains and throw me in the back of the van. But no, he went about hooking my car up to his van. 

We drove the mile or so to the exit, and as we pulled into the gas station I started to relax. He was offering to drive me all the way home. I had to convince him I could get my buddy to drive up with his truck and pull me home.  I thanked him profusely and bid him farewell. He had none of it. He told me he'd wait until I got a hold of someone. There he was when I got back to my car after I had called my friend Rob. Again, I bid him farewell, and again he insisted on staying until my friend got there.  

So, after better than an hour of small talk Rob showed up. We hooked up my car and trailer to his Dodge Durango. Once again, I bid him adieu and many thanks, but he was adamant that he would follow us to make sure we got there. Good God, I couldn't get away from this guy, he still scared me after all that - now he was going to know where I lived!

I told Rob the whole story on the hour ride home and with Rob being a big imposing man he told me not to worry. When we finally got there, I walked over to his van to assure him we were good and thanked him again. He rolled down the window and just said "Hey man, Jesus loves you" and he drove away.

I stood there, gob smacked, thinking 'what just happened?'.

Out of Gas

One blisteringly hot day driving home from work, and I ran out of gas in rush hour traffic on Interstate 94 in St. Paul's Midway. Now considering I had a company vehicle with a company gas card I should've never ever run out of gas, to call me stupid would not be unkind, but... Anyway, I had driven hundreds of miles that day and I was hot and tired, I just wanted to get home - I was not paying attention, obviously. I was able to get the vehicle to the shoulder as it was, as mentioned, rush hour and nobody was going anywhere fast. Again, this was a time before cell phones, I could not just call someone for help. 

So, I began walking down the freeway shoulder toward the nearest overpass. Now keep in mind that Interstate freeways are always fenced in, and in this particular overpass was also fenced with a seven-foot chain-link. The freeway was more or less a gully with steep inclines up to the fence. Walking the ramp was out of the question in light of all the traffic. I was forced to climb the fence knowing that a slip or fall would send me rolling onto the freeway. This was the first hurdle I would face this day.

I made it over the fence and began walking back toward a main city street where I was bound to find a gas station. Eventually after what seemed like miles of walking, I found a typical gas station/convenience store. They would've been glad to sell me a gas can had they had any - they were sold out. They directed me to a gas station that was a more traditional type where they fixed cars. All in all, I ended up walking several miles in 90 plus degree heat with typical mid-summer humidity. When I finally reached the next station, they were unwilling to lend me a gas can at all. Eventually I was able to talk them into selling me a gas can for $18, something that cost maybe $6. Apparently so many people never brought back the gas cans they "borrowed" they were not in a friendly, helpful mood. 

Now that I had a gallon of gas I began walking back to my vehicle via the frontage road until I reached the spot. There I was on one side of the fence and my vehicle was on the other. How was I going to get over the fence with a gallon of gas. I could not simply climb the fence, which only five feet high, and drop the gas can over it to the ground as it would roll down the hill into traffic. I suppose I could have strung it through my belt and climbed that way, but I wasn't wearing a belt. Besides what were the chances that I would stumble when I reached the ground, which was pitched very steeply downhill, and burst into flames as I rolled onto the freeway. My only choice was to keep walking to the overpass ramp and take my chances.

By now I was completely miserable, sweating like a pig and getting sick from the fumes. Here I was getting ready to walk on a narrow shoulder of a freeway ramp in packed rush hour traffic where drivers are not expecting to encounter pedestrians. 

Just then an old junker of a car pulled up next to me. The old black woman behind the wheel yelled out at me "would you like a ride?" To say I was shocked was an understatement. To this day I don't what would have compelled an old woman to want to help a complete stranger, a sweaty twenty-something white guy holding a gas can. I got in gladly. She told she lived nearby and said I was lucky because she had always made a point not to drive during the rush hour, but that day she got in her car and found herself in explicably driving down the frontage road where she saw me. I must have looked pathetic. 

She ended up driving a few miles out of her way because of course we had to backtrack to get in the traffic jam so we could come up to my vehicle from behind. When we got to my vehicle, I thanked her profusely and offered her money, but she wouldn't have any of it, she was glad to help. Charolotte, I believe she said her name was Charolotte, just said "God bless you" as I closed the door. It was then the thought of guardian angel first crossed my mind.   

 

Death Bed

Many years later I'm now in my fifties, I found myself in an ICU room of a major hospital suffering heart failure. It was New Years Eve and the hospital was operating with a skeleton staff. The two or three previous days I had undergone at least three procedures hoping to insert stents in my heart to open severe blockages. They'd all failed. They said I was going to need open heart surgery, but there was a problem... 

They had put me on a blood thinner early on in an attempt to get blood flowing to my heart. It didn't help. The problem with that was I was now going to have to wait five days for the effects of the blood thinner to clear - or I could bleed out during surgery. I made it one day. I was rushed to the ICU where they pumped me full of the maximum amount of the nitroglycerin a human body could tolerate. Nitroglycerin dilates blood vessels and can save people from heart failure. For me the pain/pressure in my chest was increasing by the minute. The nitro was doing nothing.

I laid there alone in the bed, my chest aching and I contemplated my death. I hadn't even reached 60 years old, and I was dying. I kept thinking this would be the day that I die. So, bye bye Miss American Pie... This song repeating over and over in my head. Dying was one thing, I guess I could handle that, but I didn't like the suffering, and dying alone seemed so cruel.

Enter Katie, my overnight ICU nurse. Katie was a stunningly beautiful woman; you could say angelic. This is not hyperbole, she was gorgeous. But that wasn't what made her my angel. I had been in ICU for at least three shifts and while all the nurses were competent Katie was different, special. She knew I knew I was dying. She stayed with me and took care of me, encouraged me. She was confident that I wouldn't die, her confidence and calmness made me hang on. She never left my side. She wasn't condescending, she wasn't telling me what she thought I wanted to hear, she was true and straight. She asked me about God in a way no other person has ever done. I'll never forget that night or her. 

At about 11pm the attending cardiologist was able to get the team that was on call that night to come to the hospital to attempt the cath procedure that had failed three times before. There was nothing left to try, open heart surgery at that point was out of the question. This team was made up from staff from all the area hospitals that agreed to come in on the holiday for just such a case.

Needless to say they succeeded! I lived! I never saw nurse Katie again. I did write the hospital administration a letter commending her, but it was never acknowledged in any way. For all I know that's totally normal, I hope they showed Katie the letter, but I'll never know. 

I choke up to this day when I think about that night and my guardian angel.