Welcome to the Federal States of America

dateline January 20th 2017
by Shythead Askis-Phoole

Those old chants heard at international sporting events seem so quaint now. Shouting USA, USA, USA is as archaic as it was arrogant. The contemptuous but pervasive thoughts of American exceptionalism are thankfully behind us now. In the words of the late great racial and gender neutral ambassador of hope and love, Michael Jackson, We Are the World now. Gone are the self-centered notions of rugged individualism and personal liberty as a more enlightened and inclusive sentiment spreads across the nation. This is the day the world rejoices the awakening of a grand new era of world peace. The tyranny of the lone Super Power, the sins of the Great Satin, the putridness of the ugly American is finally dead. Welcome to the Federal States of America.

Thanks to the brave leadership of President Barack Obama the secession of Texas did not result in the ugliness of war. Obviously the farsighted wisdom of total disarmament along with drastic defense cuts proved that war is not the only answer. Our southern brothers and sisters now cut off at the Texas/Mexico border can be rest assured that safe passage to the sanctuary and benefits of the FSA are guaranteed. When the border fence around Texas is complete then and only then will Americans and Mexicans be free of the threat of gun trafficking and violence. The nation awaits that day with a quiet determination and the assurance that the repeal of the 2nd amendment was a complete success. As an upbeat sign the Czar of Hope has reported that violence at food shelf and food distribution centers is down by 30% over the same period last year.

Nearly everything is turning hopeful on this inauguration day as President Barack Obama begins his third term. Unemployment figures fell to 22% after peaking at 33% three years ago. The President agrees that his program to add millions of Federal workers is having a positive effect, but he will not be satisfied until all who seek work have the aid of a government jobs program. The Czar of Finance has declared that the bold enactment of the Fair Deal Finance System on Wall Street and main street has been a unqualified success despite complaints that the new system is actually a poorly disguised version of the much maligned Shariah-Compliant finance model.

Today the Czar of Health presents a report that the average wait times for access to a primary care physician is now under 19 weeks. The goal of 12 weeks is within sight, officials have promised. Awaiting more good news on the health front the Czar expects a new report to show that the shortages of insulin and flu vaccine have waned and subsequently the death rate among diabetics and swine flu sufferers will fall accordingly. Also, the AARP, which is now an agency of the Federal government, has conclusively disputed erroneous reports that health care rationing is responsible for the precipitous fall in life expectancy figures.

On this historic day we are witness to a President celebrating a third inauguration, something that hasn't been seen since President Franklin Roosevelt served a grateful nation 77 years ago. The process that saw the repeal of the 22nd amendment took a remarkable turn as the economy stabilized after plunging a frightened nation into heretofore unseen depths of economic depression. Under Barack Obama's courageous stewardship the nation adjusted to high energy costs and sustained oil shortages and a grateful Congress mustered the required votes to overturn the 22nd amendment that allowed him to run for and win a third term.

To be sure, not everyone is satisfied with the current leadership in Washington D.C. The President's detractors, while numbering in the tens of millions, again fell short at the ballot box in November despite poll numbers that indicated a contrary outcome. Congress has indicated that no official investigation into voting irregularities will be undertaken. Once again the New York Post Online and powerful conservative political clubs vow to press on with their quest to investigate both the recent election and the events that led to the repeal of the 22nd amendment. This humble correspondent can only say that this is America - it's a free country - knock yourselves out. The rest of us feel a great amount of gratitude for the President and embrace the overwhelming fairness of Federal oversight of our day to day lives that has replaced the uncertainty and inequity of life in the former USA.